These thoughts are generic. They occur every time, before I shoot with an unknown photographer, especially when I like or adore the pictures.
Some weeks ago, I had a schedule with Mya from Leipzig (Germany). We planned to shoot in a parking house, to use some special light and background. And I was two hours before time. – So, I waited outside in the street. Completely styled, with a bag which contained all my stuff, which I grabbed three days ago, because before departure and our meeting, I was on a business trip in Munich.
So, I waited, and was nervous like hell. – I am trans. Non-op. And I love to shoot. All my model and social media profiles labels me as "woman", and I am transparent with that fact to anyone. I don't hide details regarding my past or trans body.
But through the upcoming "culture war" (for two years), more and more voices raised, that I am not a woman. That I was a male, be a male and will ever stay a male. – To be honest: Of course, this kind of statements (and connected hate) influences me.
Often, I feel like an imposter. And this is something which always comes in my mind before I meet the photographer. Before we start with the work. Thoughts like:
“Will my passing be valid on the pictures? Or will the POV of this photographer unmask my transness? Showing and spot me, as a male? Will the photographer start to misgender me, when we come to fine art nude photography? How much photos will be created, where my typical male attributes are underlined and emphasised?”
And by getting more and more nervous, I asking myself, why I am doing that shit all the time again? One to three times a month I am heading into the same situation again. Why I am searching for this challenge? Why I am going into this kind of exam? Why I am stressing myself that way?
But after everything starts, after I got into the touch with the lens, into touch with the click sound of the specific camera, I start to dive into the scene, deeper and deeper and come back to the set, after everything is shown and told.
And after I dived into each set, and arrived again and we finished, and we check the first results on the camera, I know why:
Because I love it! It's fun, its therapy, it's one of the best ways to connect to people, to myself, to exchange and grab new thoughts.
Thank you, Mya!
Thank you, all photographers who worked with me, in the past!
Teilnehmer: Fotografin Mya_b.hind