"Are you happy?", Laurana asked me some days ago.
It was late and we had discussed about the possibility, the term and the feeling of happiness for us trans women, since hours.
Because we're getting misgendered at least once a day, and we're irritating people with our voice, getting glimpses to the never fading marks of male hood on our bodies and beings. – And we're facing an abstract refusal of our transness in social media and the newspaper. We're seeing violence against us in the community, and we're hearing prejudices regarding us, from people who don't have a glue about anything (A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G), but an opinion towards gender.
And we're hearing permanently, that children need to be protected from queer people, from wokeness, and we see, that society steels children’s their rights everywhere and nobody complains: The right of education and health! The right of getting protected from violence and (sexual) abuse! And in the end, our children’s will inherit a planet, which is becoming more and more a piece of scrap! Yeah. Protect the children from us.
Silence.
Filled with handpans.
Lovely handpan sound, from Giolì & Assia, and I said: "This is how angles talking."
And we listened some more moments to the voices of angles.
"How can I say, that I'm happy?"
What is happiness in a world, were I'm paying attention to the intonation of any word, coming through my lips? I'm paying attention to my language and body gestures, to my (male) personal border protection mechanisms and knowledge of male privileges, within all female routines?
How to think about happiness, in a world where I need to maintain thousands of attributes at once, to reach and keep my limited femineity?
Being a female, and don't lose a second of it. Maybe, this is happiness for me. Accepting my limits, coping with them and being me. Being Sophie. And don't lose a single second of it anymore. That's happiness.
„Yes, Laurana. I'm happy.“